*ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN COMEDY BEAST MAGAZINE ISSUE #5 March 2011 - comedybeast.com *
Humans. We’re such a malicious and vengeful species aren’t we? If someone kills your wife, husband, brother or daughter then it seems to be a natural reaction to want to return the murderous favour. Suddenly your life is one of those Bruce Willis “someone killed my family” revenge films. Ok fair enough, I see where you're coming from, an eye for an eye and all that. But one thing I've never really understood is the vengeance killings of animals. You know when a shark attacks a surfer and suddenly there's a helicopter with a gunman on board yelling 'let's lynch the bastard!' As if the animal had specifically intended to attack that man out of spite, because last week he had a flake and chips for dinner.
Even more baffling to me is the vengeance killing of dogs. Yeah it's terrible that you were mauled and hospitalised by a dog, but why do we always instantly assume “it's got a taste for blood now it's a killing machine. If we don't inject it with poison now, we certainly won't be able to stop it with guns later!”
We always blame the dog, which seems unfair. We don’t think about the fact that often the owner is some sort of bogan wanker, that keeps three of these dogs in a tiny concrete backyard. He doesn't deserve dogs let alone five children to five different women. Hang on... Why don’t we just inject this guy with poison?
But sadly, I don't think human beings will actually change anytime soon. We’re just too proud. But if we’re really looking for someone to blame our pathetic lives on, then look no further than... coconuts! Did you know that falling coconuts kill up to 10 times as many people as sharks every year? So why the hell aren’t us humans out there every weekend with hammers cracking the rough brown husk of these silent killers? Sure everyday we’re killing each other and animals, but why stop there? Go out and buy a Bounty chocolate bar, and laugh as you even up the score with this silent killer. Clearly falling fruit and plant life is our real enemy in this confusing modern world.
Things more likely to kill you than sharks…
1. Coconuts
2. Hippos
3. Other humans
4. Mosquitoes
5. This magazine (if ingested improperly)
Humans. We’re such a malicious and vengeful species aren’t we? If someone kills your wife, husband, brother or daughter then it seems to be a natural reaction to want to return the murderous favour. Suddenly your life is one of those Bruce Willis “someone killed my family” revenge films. Ok fair enough, I see where you're coming from, an eye for an eye and all that. But one thing I've never really understood is the vengeance killings of animals. You know when a shark attacks a surfer and suddenly there's a helicopter with a gunman on board yelling 'let's lynch the bastard!' As if the animal had specifically intended to attack that man out of spite, because last week he had a flake and chips for dinner.
Even more baffling to me is the vengeance killing of dogs. Yeah it's terrible that you were mauled and hospitalised by a dog, but why do we always instantly assume “it's got a taste for blood now it's a killing machine. If we don't inject it with poison now, we certainly won't be able to stop it with guns later!”
We always blame the dog, which seems unfair. We don’t think about the fact that often the owner is some sort of bogan wanker, that keeps three of these dogs in a tiny concrete backyard. He doesn't deserve dogs let alone five children to five different women. Hang on... Why don’t we just inject this guy with poison?
But sadly, I don't think human beings will actually change anytime soon. We’re just too proud. But if we’re really looking for someone to blame our pathetic lives on, then look no further than... coconuts! Did you know that falling coconuts kill up to 10 times as many people as sharks every year? So why the hell aren’t us humans out there every weekend with hammers cracking the rough brown husk of these silent killers? Sure everyday we’re killing each other and animals, but why stop there? Go out and buy a Bounty chocolate bar, and laugh as you even up the score with this silent killer. Clearly falling fruit and plant life is our real enemy in this confusing modern world.
Things more likely to kill you than sharks…
1. Coconuts
2. Hippos
3. Other humans
4. Mosquitoes
5. This magazine (if ingested improperly)
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